ENOUGH ALREADY!

I couldn't decide between that title and "Life: you're doing it wrong". I felt like the afformentioned was more appropriate until i logged into facebook to see that every single one of my 556 friends are engaged. Every single one. Even bomb, who is 14 years old, and one of my 12 year old previous campers. Ok...that may be an exaggeration, but seriously...I don't think I can handle any more engagement rings.

Some of you (like how I say that as if I have a huge range of readers?) may say that this is just overwhelming jealousy...but seriously I think I have every right to be angered by this epidemic of loving couples. Lets just take a look at the facts of my sad life that is quickly spiraling towards "crazy-cat-lady" status.

1. I live with a hooker...who is just barely the weirdest of the oddies that I've had the pleasure of abiding among over the past 5 years.
2. My dating history is a ridiculous gay non boyfriend (or maybe 2) and a psychopathic cheating lying 30 year old creeper...more on that at a later date...maybe...
3. All my friends graduated and left me sad and alone
4. We discussed what social pariah means, right? check first blog if not.
5. I've picked a major and a career that results in negative meeting of eligible men. Negative. That means they see my teacherie sweaters, and throw the nearest woman at me to distract me and allow them to get away unseen. Ok, thats not entirely true...its only true if you aren't engaged by the time you graduate. Don't worry...every other woman in my graduating class is already engaged/married and has a litter of children...every other woman.
6. While I haven't gotten a cat quite yet (I probably won't because to be honest they horrify me almost as much as that girl from the ring...you never hear them coming, they're just there and I know they are just waiting for me to keel over or pass out so they can eat my lifeless body...more on that later) I do have my one friend...my dog...good news is he is far to stupid to know he would have any other option except to love me forever.

 Ok thats all the sad facts I can list right now. Do you feel bad for me yet? Good...you know how you can help. Stop with the freaking engagement rings and the wedding cakes and the UNBELIEVABLY gorgeous wedding gowns. Seriously...how am I supposed to remain the most beautiful one of my friends with you people always showing me up in those? gosh.


So I have decided to make myself feel better I am going to design my wedding. And I'm going to post it here in all its glory for everyone to see. First:

The Engagement Ring:
This beautiful specimen is perfect. It is beautifully representative of boobs...don't tell me its supposed to be my eyes...that ring is DEFINITELY boobs. And its a fabulous reminder that I am in fact a girl...just in case I forget at some point...which I am prone to do.







 



The Dress:
I don't feel like it is a real wedding if the flower girl doesn't run away from you screaming "SNOW BEAST! SNOOOOOOOWWWW BEEEEEAAAAAASSSST!" (if she adds a comment about a boobie on my finger that would be great too). Also, the diamond studded swim cap will allow me to seamlessly transition into my entirely underwater reception. Its gonna be in a swimming pool...but a diamond studded one...you know, I like to keep it classy.

The Shoes:
Forget the fact that I am incapable of walking in high heels...look how pretty! I could have 4 of my own corsages! Just like prom. Also...don't these just say "dance the night away"?

The Flowers:
I am nothing if not FIERCELY patriotic (I really need the sarcmark here). So I can see no other bouquet or color scheme more appropriate than this one. I will be walking down the isle to the song "proud to be an american" because at least I know I'm free.








Now the last thing I would want is for this blog to incite jealousy in any of you...so feel free to take any or all of my ideas. I didn't include all the details for my fabulous wedding here so that you can't make an exact replica...you know...I got to keep some goodies in the jar.